Wet Dogs – Funny Dog Quotes

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Wet dogs

Quotes and jokes about dogs that are all wet. A few pee jokes, but most are not, so read on.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
Ambrose Bierce

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got, too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield

Even the lowest dog leaves its mark.
Tony Breeze

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
Franklin P. Jones

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
Steven Wright

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that’s surprised by its own farts.
Frank Skinner

Muzzle a dog and he will bark out of the other end.
Malcolm Lowry

He is so shaggy. People are amazed when he gets up and they suddenly realize they have been talking to the wrong end.
Elizabeth Jones

Every dog has his day, unless he loses his tail… then he has a weakend.
June Carter Cash

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.
John Osborne

The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.
Dave Berry

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.
Penny Ward Moser

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Have you heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who was pacing & pacing thru the night, wondering if there’s really a ‘Dog’?
Steven Wright

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Lewis Grizzard

What would you call a zoo without a dog? A Shih Tzu.
Brian Belo

Dogs are Better than People

Dogs ARE better than people, as most dog owners, and all dogs would say, if they could talk. If dogs could talk, not people, people tend to keep yapping all day, quite annoying to the neighbors. Now my yapping is done, so on to more quote fun.

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog as a problem.
Edward Abbey

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman

All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed. For after all, he was only human. He wasn’t a dog.
Charles M. Schulz

Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.
Corey Ford

According to my children there are a lot of reasons I had them. One is that I needed someone around the house to eat the leftovers the dog wouldn’t touch.
Erma Bombeck

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
Marie Corelli

Man holding rat - both looking eye to eye.
That “Ain’t no dog”

When a man’s dog turns against him, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.
Mark Twain

Well crying isn’t going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Homer Simpson

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.
Elizabeth Taylor

Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, I may lick myself in public, but I’d never say anything as stupid as that.
Dave Barry

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Andy Rooney

Politics are not my concern… they impressed me as a dog’s life without a dog’s decencies.
Rudyard Kipling

I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.’
Jimmy Fallon

A Dog’s Life

It’s good to be a dog, the four-legged kind. Quotes about how dogs live, or at least how we think they do or should live.

Every puppy should have a boy.
Erma Bombeck

I once had a dog who actually believed he was man’s best friend. He kept trying to borrow money from me.
Gene Perret

I am not your dog, but if every time you saw me, you gave me a backrub, I would run to greet you, too.
Robert Brault

Our watchdog doesn’t bark. I usually let him sleep where burglars will fall over him and wake the rest of us.
Les Dawson

My dog is so lazy he doesn’t bother chasing cars. He just sits on the curb taking down license plate numbers.
Rodney Dangerfield

Why is that, when the doorbell rings, the dog always thinks it’s for him?
Noel V. Ginnity

Modern houses are so small we’ve had to train our dog to wag its tail up and down and not sideways.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave Barry

Mutt enjoyed traveling by car, but he was an unquiet passenger. He suffered from the delusion, common to dogs and small boys, that when he was looking out the right – hand side, he was probably missing something far more interesting on the left – hand side.
Farley Mowat

You can say any foolish thing to do to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘ My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’
Dave Barry

Sir, this is a unique dog. He does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of cats to be cats although he doesn’t admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit and suggest that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility.
John Steinbeck

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
Fran Lebowitz

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement.
Charles M Schulz

On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.
Peter Steiner

Good Dogs?

No question (mark) about it, dogs are great. “Good Dog” quotes, funny of course.

You can always trust a dog that likes peanut butter.
Kate DiCamillo

Every healthy, normal boy should own a dog at some time in his life – preferably between the ages of 45 and 50.
Robert Benchley

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
Doug Larson

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
Nora Ephron

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.
Franklin P. Jones

Dachshund: A half – a – dog high and a dog – and – a – half long.
H.L. Mencken

With so many boys, my father bought us a dachshund so we could all pet him at the same time.
Bob Hope

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.
Robert Benchley

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother – and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.
Winston Pendleton

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner

It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.
P.G. Wodehouse

Happiness is a warm puppy.
Charles M. Schultz

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney Dangerfield

The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog. It feeds the hand that bites it.
Laurence J. Peter

Hope you are not dog tired after those quotes. If not, go fetch one of my other posts, if tired, turn around three times and take a nap, you deserve it. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.


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