Birthday Quotes – Funny and Getting OLDer

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Funny Birthday Quotes

Birthdays can be hard or easy, easier if you laugh. Here are some funny birthday quotes to put you in the birthday mood.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry

If you keep having birthdays, you’ll eventually die.
Groucho Marx

For all the advances in medicine there is still no cure for the common birthday.
John Glenn

Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
Tom Wilson

Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Men are like wine some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
Pope John XXIII

If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
George Burns

Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.
George Burns

Thomas Jefferson once said, ‘We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.
Ronald Reagan

No matter how often I tell people I’m thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I’m that old.
Jack Benny

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody.
George Burns

Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
Bennett Cerf

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
Jerry Seinfeld

Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?
Bobby Kelton

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a $ 100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck

I took my husband to the hospital yesterday to have 17 stitches out. That’ll teach him to buy me a sewing kit for my birthday.
Jo Brand

Thirty-five is a very attractive age, London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
Oscar Wilde

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Robert Frost

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
E Joseph Cossman

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

The last birthday that’s any good is 23.
Andy Rooney

Happy Birthday to my Brother! I like it when people ask if we’re related. That means there’s still an element of doubt.
Phil Bolsta

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barry

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I’m being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it’s back to the same old crap.
Melvin Helitzer

Here’s a toast to someone who’s truly a best friend – a person who goes around telling good things behind your back.
Elmer Pasta

Growing Up Without Getting Old, or the Reverse

As long as you don’t get old, getting older is great. A few quotes to help make sure the birthday fun never goes away and to stay young at heart.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
Salvador Dali

That’s the real trouble with the world. Too many people grow up.
Walt Disney

A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.
R. C. Ferguson

Youth is a circumstance you can’t do anything about. The trick is to grow up without getting old.
Frank Lloyd Wright

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
George Bernard Shaw

To keep the heart unwrinkled to be hopeful kindly cheerful reverent – that is to triumph over old age.
Thomas Bailey Aldrich

Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die. Do not outlive yourself.
George Bernard Shaw

To know how to grow old is the master work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living.
Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Chili Davis

The return of my birthday, if I remember it, fills me with thoughts which it seems to be the general care of humanity to escape.
Samuel Johnson

A child whose birthday is coming up is so excited, they count down the days. But as we get older we seem to lose the excitement. We need to rethink and be happy we have reached another birthday.
Thomas Wentworth Higginson

Pleas’d look forward, pleas’d to look behind, and count each birthday with a grateful mind.
Alexander Pope

Don’t just count your years, make your years count.
George Meredith

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Jack Benny

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.
Golda Meir

We turn not older with years, but newer every day.
Emily Dickinson

The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.
Madeleine L’Engle

Birthday Wishes

A few birthday wishes, just looking forward to the future.

May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true. May you always know the truth and see the lights surrounding you. May you always be courageous, stand upright and be strong. May you stay forever young.
Bob Dylan

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is youer than you!
Dr. Seuss

There are three hundred and sixty – four days when you might get un – birthday presents, and only one for birthday presents, you know.
Lewis Carroll

May you live all the days of your life.
Jonathan Swift

May you and yours have a happy birthday.


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